last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
