you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
