so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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