Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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