using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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