turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
