I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
