Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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