All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
