I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
