It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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