She said her name was "party"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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