Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize