I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
