New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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