On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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