I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
