im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
