I bet he comes in French.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
