I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
