i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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