today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
