i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
