I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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