lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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