when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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