The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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