He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
