I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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