: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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