my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
