Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
