I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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