he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i now understand why vodka
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
