There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
