he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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