Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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