You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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