Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
