non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
