I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She's just so happy...and so naked.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
