I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
