Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
