Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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