Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
