can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
