i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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