shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
