If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
