When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
