youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
