I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
