There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
