I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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