I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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