I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
