Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
