Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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