My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
