Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
