When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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