By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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