Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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