Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
foreskin is a definite game changer
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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