Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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