I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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