I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
