the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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