Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
