I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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