her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
