Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
