Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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