Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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