maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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